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  • When I started this blog in October 2008, I hashed out my entire life story, which centered around a secret struggle with homosexuality. Nearly four years later, this sinister sexual struggle has become less of a secret as other dastardly struggles rear their ugly heads. "Two beckonings" no longer means my same-sex attraction vs. God, but ANYTHING that goes against God's perfect plan for my life. In the last year especially I've learned that homosexuality merely scratches the tip of my struggle-laden iceberg. For more on the beckonings I've written about over the years, check out my top posts and tags. I've been touched by dozens of messages over these last several years. If you're reading this and would like to contact me, you can email me anytime at my new address: tom@twobeckonings.com. My prayer is that my blog, my life, my story can bless you mightily, if only in reminding you that none of us are truly alone in our fights -- or flights -- with faith. I hope you'll fight with me.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

  • Posted by twoBeckonings

    It Started Out as a Feeling...

    Today I leave southern California. For at least three months. Maybe much longer. I do not really know.

    Last week was filled with epic leaps and conversations. I spoke in church, first of all.

    ONE OF THE MOST DEFINING MOMENTS OF MY LIFE. You can read my other blog tomorrow for the skinny on that undoubtedly supernatural event.

    I met with Brock for the last time. Had dinner together and honestly, it was the best, most natural meet-up we've ever had. Told him all about that crazy church testimony and contrasted it with how I totally broke down in his presence last summer over having to simply stand in front of students. Growth.

    We caught up on our lives since my baptism a couple weeks back. Brock talked about this girl he likes and is getting closer to dating. Was so affirming that he would talk so openly about her with me.

    Then he asked me if there were any girls in my life. I laughed and asked what he could possibly mean by that.

    JUST THAT, he said. Girls.

    Brock and I talked about girls. It was so good.

    Then there was talk of my summer ahead. I said I was afraid, yeah, but knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was the next stage of my journey into manhood. That it would be extremely difficult, but that I would grow so much by the end of camp.

    I mentioned one of my biggest anxieties of staff week will be the mud wrestling with fellow male staffers.

    And Brock proceeded to laugh in my face at that comment.

    Which made me laugh in return as I tried to keep a straight face over the SERIOUSNESS of this HARROWING task.

    I mean, really: can you imagine me caked in mud, going into battle with macho manly dudes? I can hardly TALK to other guys, let alone pummel them into submission amid a giant pit of mud. It's silly, but it's also a legitimate fear for staff week, and Brock encouraged me by helping me laugh it off.

    As much as I love our serious talks, the times he makes me laugh -- and especially when I make him laugh -- are just as important and fulfilling and needed for our friendship.

    He and I saw The Avengers later that night, and it just was a great cap to this crazy year.

    I first met Brock over a year ago now. That last summer with him rocked my world so hard. Returning to California drove me batty as I tried to find the right balance of seeing him and not seeing him. But I think we've both settled into a healthier place now. Growth has happened.

    If I return westward in the fall, I'm hopeful of a deeper plunge into brotherhood with him. Would make my soul so very glad.

    Will surely blog again on the east coast before my insane summer camp job begins on the 29th. Will talk more about scary mud wrestling and other dude-anxieties too, I'm sure.

    Until then, I've got a country to traverse. Which, FYI, if you live somewhere between Denver and Iowa, I would truly love a bed to sleep in. Oh, and seeing you would be tightizzle too. Whoever "you" are. Just let me know.

    Goodbye, California. At so many points I just wanted to die out here, and in the end, all I did was live more than I've ever dreamed.

    Damn, what a couple of years. Will never be the same.

Pulse

  • Word to yo mother and you too: hit up philwickham.com between now and next month for his FREE live album (that I attended in March!)
  • Been invited to share some of my story at church tonight...yup, big ppl church. Like, in service. PRAYERS PLEASE.
  • Coming soon to an internet near you: Tom & Drew's co-blog! STAY TUNED.